Recently, I went on an journey to an alien and intimidating place, an actual no-go space: Belgravia’s interiors outlets. My greatest good friend is attempting to purchase a flat and to energise her for this grim journey of proprietor ghostings, asbestos, incompetent brokers and outrageous costs, she wanted a little bit of escapist enjoyable chi-chi paints.
Sadly, she introduced me: an individual with all of the visible sensibility of a home brick (Terre D’Egypte? Porphyry Pink?). I sat vacant and unhelpful as she mentioned nuances of verdigris and celadon, interjecting when one thing apparent struck me. “That one is yellow!” I’d say, with toddler-like delight; or, “I like that.” Largely I checked out color charts.
One model’s paint names, I made a decision, primarily fell into two title classes: posh lady or posh lady’s pony. We had a number of enjoyable working these out. Jonquil, Evie, Pomona, Clove, Tawny, Brick and Buff: ladies (the final two absolutely boarding college nicknames). Pippin, Gladstone, Teddy, Tyrian and Pompadour: ponies. I hope the paint individuals wouldn’t thoughts this impertinence; in any case, they got here up with Cuisse de Nymphe Emue, which interprets as “overcome nymph’s thigh” (it’s a delicate, blushing pink). You’ll be able to’t name a paint that with out your tongue (Pink Ochre?) at the least barely in your cheek (Nicaragua?).
It’s endlessly mocked and parodied (most just lately in a cell phone advert: “Anaemic Moon? Scrubbed Cauliflower?”), however is any inventive endeavour tougher than naming paints? I used to jot down alluring descriptions of nondescript chain lodge rooms and that hardly reaches the foothills of invention in contrast with a paint chart. How do they do it? I learn up on the philosophy behind Farrow & Ball’s Elephant’s Breath (already modern within the 1870s, apparently) and how a paint was named Harajuku Morning (vacation recollections and a playlist), however I’m none the wiser. The title decisions by no means really feel flawed to me, both: I usually have a look at a child and assume, “No, you’re positively not an Oscar”; I’ve by no means felt that about, say, a brown swatch of paint known as Wainscot. These individuals are geniuses. Overlook the Booker – there must be a prize for paint naming.
