DEAR ABBY: Friendship reforged before being completely abandoned

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DEAR ABBY: I am a male scientist at a large university. Four years ago, I was surprised to receive an email from someone with whom I’d been friends many years ago, when he was a postdoctoral fellow in our department. We were good friends back then, but we lost contact when he moved east and quit research. He now works in computer security. After he reinitiated contact, we resumed the friendship, with regular phone calls and emails.

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Two years ago, he invited me to spend the day with him and his wife (whom I’d never met), when I visited my family on the East Coast. Since my family lives near him, I took him up on the offer and spent a very pleasant day with them at their home.

Abby, I never heard from him again! After sending several emails and a postcard thanking him and his wife for being gracious hosts, there has been silence ever since. Incidentally, we’re both Jewish, as is his wife. During the years before he reconnected with me, he became Orthodox and very observant, which I am not. Any thoughts about what is going on and what, if anything, I can do about it? — BAFFLED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BAFFLED: What might have happened during your visit with this old/new friend is anybody’s guess. I doubt your lack of religiosity has anything to do with this. Perhaps his wife discouraged further contact. Because he never explained why he was withdrawing, you may never know. But as things stand, I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it. If you hear from him in another few years, feel free to ask him.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been in my relationship for almost five years and believe that “nothing is constant but change.” My partner has caviar taste with tuna fish money. They like expensive things but can’t afford to maintain them. They rob from Peter to pay Paul, make purchases with high-interest charge cards and complain constantly they don’t have any extra money. They are presently looking for another job to make more money to spend.

I live on a fixed income. I’m trying to control spending but end up in arguments about not having money to do things. My partner has mastered the art of spending other people’s money, including mine, which I think is selfish. Any suggestions about how to work out these money issues? — ALL ABOUT THE MONEY

DEAR ALL ABOUT THE MONEY: You and your partner have very different values when it comes to finances. THEY AREN’T GOING TO CHANGE. This is one of the subjects that most frequently causes couples to break up. (Others include politics, sex, religion and child rearing.) My suggestion: End the relationship before this person causes you to go bankrupt.

— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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