Guest column: Why we still mark anniversary of loved one’s death

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By: Tony Lofaro

Grief. What is it good for, other than to remind us that our loved ones are no longer with us?

Grief never really goes away. It lurks in the back of our minds and when triggered by a moment, a feeling or an incident, it springs back to remind us of our loss.

It is not a welcome friend; it is painful and very real. We learn to live with it and everyone deals with grief differently. There is no good compass to guide us through it; we just learn to cope without that special person, one lonely day at a time.

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Books on grief, videos and counselling can be useful tools to help understand the complexities of grieving, and in some cases they help. But these exercises are momentary fixes for dealing with loss because, in the end, they never bring back what’s been lost.

In her book The Year of Magical Thinking on the death of her husband, author Joan Didion sums it up best: “I know why we try to keep the dead alive; we try to keep them alive in order to keep them with us.”

Very true. We can’t ever really let go of someone we lost too young or tragically. Yes, their physical body may no longer be on Earth but we are comforted knowing their spirit is still with us.

It brings us to the question of how we should handle the notable anniversary of the passing of a loved one. Is it necessary to honour the one-year, five-year or even the 10th year of someone’s passing in any way? And why do we do it? Don’t we already live with grief every day? Do we need to acknowledge the pain even more on a particular anniversary?

I struggled with this dilemma as we approach the 10th anniversary of the passing of my wife, Gina. She died June 17, 2014, only six weeks after being diagnosed with a rare form of cancer that spread to her liver. She was 56 and about to retire from the Ottawa Public Library.

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I wrote about Gina in The Ottawa Citizen two months after her death. I talked about our wonderful life and marriage and how in her remaining days, I tried unsuccessfully to say goodbye as she struggled with chemo and the knowledge that her time was short.

I decided to honour Gina with a June 17 memorial mass at St. Anthony’s Church, where we were married. It was important to me and my family to mark the anniversary of her passing with a mass, gathering family and friends afterward to reminisce.

Gina touched many with her warmth, grace and kindness. Our family has learned to bear the loss but she is dearly missed. Our lives are not the same.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, psychiatrist and author, wrote: “The reality is that you will grieve forever … You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same.

“Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.”

We know the death of someone we love is a life-changing event. And with the passing of years, I felt it was necessary to pause and acknowledge Gina in the best way possible.

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Much has happened in the 10 years since she died. I retired after 38 years at the Citizen; our family raised $20,000 for the Canadian Liver Foundation at a gala in Gina’s honour; while on vacation I almost drowned and spent nine days in an Italian hospital; a new grandson entered the family; we lived through the dark days of COVID; my 94-year-old mother passed away in 2021; and my mom’s sister died two years later.

I moved back to my old neighbourhood in Little Italy, started a new life here, travelled extensively, co-wrote a Christmas movie script, lost some friends along the way, formed new friendships and have carried on as best I can without Gina.

Life is short, but one thing I learned is that I live for today and pray for tomorrow.

Tony Lofaro is a former Ottawa Citizen reporter. He and Gina were married for 33 years.

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