Now we are all in the same town, and the constant bean counting (“the other grandparents got them for two nights last month, we only got one!”) and one-upping (“I saw that your Mimi got you three books last week! Here’s four and a candy!”) is just exhausting. What’s worse is that if we were to add up which grandparents got more time with the kids, she would in fact win.
Short of stooping to her level and presenting a chart comparing the grandparents’ every move, what can we do to put an end to this before I explode? My mother is much more passive and shrugs it all off, but I know it hurts her feelings when my mother-in-law shows up to every event with a much larger gift, talking about the vacation she’s planning for everyone and then loudly complaining that she didn’t get enough time with the kids last week.
Grandma Wars: I am a grandma, and I live close to my kids and grandkids and their other grandparents. I understand how these feelings arise. Luckily, other grandma and I have made a point of getting to know and like each other and speak positively to the kids about each other. It wasn’t always easy at first! I wonder how your mom is really feeling, but bless her for not participating in the “competition.”
We grandmas can feel insecure sometimes about how important we are to kids and grandkids when our lives are no longer as full of other things. And, really, we know how brief the young years are for kids and the looming end of our own active years.
Are there ways to support the annoying grandma in feeling okay in her role, emphasizing how she interacts with the kids, and de-emphasizing the gifts and all? If both grandmas are basically emotionally healthy, maybe they can spend time together and work together on something. That could do a lot to ease the situation.
Grandma Wars: No way around it, you’re going to have to sit down and confront your mother-in-law. Point out that her obsessive behavior is hurting her child, her grandchildren, you and your parents, and it has to stop.
I didn’t do that. Instead, I listened to my husband who said his mom would back off after we settled in. She never changed, and my daughter came to expect better and better gifts, trips, etc. My family quit attending events where my mother-in-law was in attendance. Relationships are stressed to the max. Create a list of what is and is not acceptable and stick to it.
Grandma Wars: You don’t mention where your partner stands in this. Ideally your partner would talk to their mom and let her know that while you love that she loves her grandkids and wants to be a big part of their lives, her behavior is toxic, egoistic and unacceptable.
If she won’t or can’t tone it down, then your parent team will have to limit her access to the kids. Maybe ask all grandparents to limit gift giving to birthdays and Christmas and keep the dollar value below a particular threshold, too.
Grandma Wars: I had a grandmother like this! I don’t think she anticipated how quickly we kids would get wise to these dynamics; her complaining and one-upping drove us away, too. It was uncomfortable for us to notice the adults’ discomfort, or hear the implied criticism of our parents (e.g. “Tell your mommy you want to come visit me more!”). I understand the impulse to be concerned about your mom’s feelings, but at least your mom is an adult.
The real risk is that your mother-in-law inadvertently alienates her grandchildren as they grow. If you want to broach this with her, I’d leave your feelings (and your mother’s) out and instead express concern about your kids. Explain that her complaining may make them feel like they did something wrong, or put them in uncomfortable positions.
Or, do what my grandmother’s five kids did: Let it go, let her complain and carry on, and watch your kids grow up and be drawn to the other grandmother who wasn’t constantly badgering everyone. The complaining grandma may win a battle here and there, but she will lose the war.
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
