Any parents facing the difficulties of divorce knows that prioritising the child’s wellbeing, home, and sense of routine is essential.
Of course, this isn’t easy when emotions are running high and you’re grieving the loss of a marriage and the family unit you’d built together.
However, according to Joe and Cheryl Dillon, leading divorce mediators, relationship experts, and the co-founders of Equitable Mediation, there is a way to navigate this that is potentially better than just co-parenting.
It’s called “parallel parenting”
The experts explained: “In parallel parenting, each divorced parent views the days they have the kids, according to the parenting schedule in the divorce agreement, as their days alone.
“On their assigned days, each parent chooses to be completely responsible for all parenting duties needed. They do everything for the kids themselves, without involving the other parent at all.”
The experts explained that in today’s world, parallel parenting often works better for parents as it’s a way to continue to live the life that they had before. They added: “In our personal experience, it’s not uncommon for a married couple to have an arrangement, for example, where on Mondays and Wednesdays, Dad would work late, and Mom agreed to pick up the kids from school and take care of them until bedtime.
“Then, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, they would switch roles and Mom would work late, and Dad would take care of the kids. That’s a form of parallel parenting.”
They said that many parents continue with these kinds of agreements but just from different homes which is still an upheaval for the child but less damaging.
How parallel parenting helps children
The experts said: “Kids need routine, even if they don’t say so. In parallel parenting, it’s always clear which parent the child will be with and who’s taking care of them. This means no confusion.
“The child can settle into their routine, and from what we’ve seen with clients of ours, they do really well.”
Of course, parallel parenting also gives children the opportunity to spend time with just one parent, which can help to maintain and strengthen their bond.
What is the difference between parallel parenting and co-parenting?
The divorce mediators explained that while the two are similar, there is a certain boundary in place with parallel parenting.
“In co-parenting, while one parent is considered on-duty, both parents are welcome to engage with the children and participate in activities, even when it’s not their scheduled time.
“For example, if one parent has the children for a full week but there’s a baseball game and dance recital that week, both parents could attend those events.”
However, with parallel parenting there is less wiggle room: “In a co-parenting arrangement, in my experience, it’s also common to encourage weeknight dinners or contact with the off-duty parent. So even if a child is staying with one parent, the other may come over one night for dinner or take the kids out.
“Also in co-parenting, if the on-duty parent can’t provide care as scheduled, the agreement states the other parent will make themselves available to fill in.”
Parallel parenting offers a firm routine to both parties.
How can parents looking to engage in parallel parenting make it easier on themselves and their children?
The experts said: “Write down clear rules about when it’s okay to contact the other parent during their off-duty time, and how you’ll do it.
Do what’s truly best for them, even if it means you and your ex have to be on your very best behaviour!
