Most new couples avoid an important discussion that could set the tone for the future of their relationship: the money talk. But administering a 20-point money mindset questionnaire on the second date is a great way to kill the mood and send a potential mate running for the hills.
My now-husband and I didn’t talk in-depth about money before marriage. I assumed money would be the least of our issues because we were both fairly responsible with our finances. But our early years of marriage were dogged with constant financial tension. Learning to merge our different money management styles led to more than a few intense conversations.
Eventually, we learned to work together on our goals to pay off our debts and build out our real estate portfolio. But understanding our financial goals and habits earlier could have helped us get on the same page faster and avoid dozens of disagreements.
One of the most common and lingering arguments couples have involves money. It’s one of those top causes of arguments in relationships because it’s such a stressful topic.
But what’s the best way to approach the dreaded money topic when you’re getting to know a new romantic match? I spoke to experts to learn some tips for keeping things fun while uncovering the financial clues you need to take the next step.
Why financial compatibility matters
Financial compatibility can help lay the foundation for a stable relationship, says Kendall Meade, a certified financial therapist and certified financial planner with SoFi. “One of the most common and lingering arguments couples have involves money. It’s one of those top causes of arguments in relationships because it’s such a stressful topic,” she says.
In fact, a 2013 study by Certified Divorce Financial Analyst found that money issues were the third leading cause of divorce (22%) behind basic incompatibility (43%) and infidelity (28%). When partners share similar financial values and goals, they’re more likely to find common ground in areas such as spending, saving and investing, which can reduce friction.
Many couples don’t talk about money until six and a half months into their dating relationship, according to a survey of 2,000 Americans by online banking app Chime. And 20% of respondents said they’re not as up front about their financial habits as their partners might think.
Keeping money troubles a secret — battling debt, overspending, draining your savings, etc. — can significantly damage your relationship. Figuring out your partner’s financial preferences can help you determine if you’re compatible, or work on a compromise.
How to find out if you’re financially compatible
To be clear, “the money talk” should be an ongoing conversation rather than a one-time event. Here’s how to find out if you’re on the same page and how well you could work together when it comes to managing finances as a couple.
Start with observations
Erika Kaplan, vice president of membership at the matchmaking service Three Day Rule, advises her clients to start by observing behaviors early on to learn whether they’re dating a potential money match. “A really good indication of financial compatibility is how people like to spend their disposable income,” says Kaplan.
Even though my husband and I didn’t directly talk about money right away, he recently revealed that he noticed certain behaviors during our dating stage that helped him understand my approach to money. He noticed I didn’t spend money excessively and opted to maintain my own hair and nails to stretch out the distance between salon visits, for example. My frugality when it came to spending helped convince him we would be a good money match.
But you and your partner don’t have to share the same money mindset to go the distance.
Sidney and Saundra B. Curry, co-founders of BC Holdings of Tennessee, have been married for 30 years and had different financial upbringings. But they both recall observing each other’s financial habits when they first started dating.
Courtesy of Sidney and Saundra B. Curry
Sidney grew up in a low-income household, and his early exposure to money was watching his parents struggle financially to care for a family of nine. As an adult, helping his parents financially became a core focus for him, and it was important to share that with his partner, Saundra.
“I was spending money for someone else. You have to talk about these things; otherwise, it can cause a lot of anxiety, anger and frustration,” he says.
Saundra’s financial literacy training started at an early age. She recognized that her husband didn’t have the same exposure during his formative years, but she appreciated that he was open to discussing money. “He grew up differently than I did, but if I talked about a financial topic, he didn’t shut me down,” she recalls. “He was willing to learn.”
Talk about the future
Listing your future goals is another exercise you and your partner can try early in the dating process. Annette Harris, an accredited financial counselor with Harris Financial Coaching, runs this exercise with clients to help them assess financial compatibility. “I have clients list the top 10 things that they want to achieve over the next five to 10 years,” Harris says. “They compare that list together to see if they’re compatible.”
Harris says an easy way to assess whether you’re financially compatible while dating is to dream together and talk about future goals. The conversation almost always involves money, so it can give you a peek into their financial mindset.
Some questions to consider during this exercise include:
- Do either of you plan to pursue additional education? How would you pay for it?
- Is homeownership a goal?
- Would either of you like to be married, and how would you pay for the wedding?
- Do you want to have children in the future? How many?
- Are either of you saving for something special? What is it, and why is it important to you?
When to have the money talk
When you should start discussing money with your partner will vary based on your ages and how quickly your relationship progresses.
Kaplan recommends you avoid asking for specifics about income, bank account balances or credit scores right out of the gate. “Until you’re close to joining finances, I would recommend my clients ask more comfortable questions to gain an understanding of how they spend their money,” she says.
According to Kaplan, softball questions — such as, “Are you a saver or a spender?” — keep the mood “cheeky and flirty” without coming across as an interrogation. She doesn’t advise divulging personal financial details until the relationship has matured and you both agree it’s leading toward a longterm commitment or engagement.
Red flags you should never ignore
Bad financial habits shouldn’t be ignored, but they aren’t an immediate reason to call a new relationship quits, either. “No one knows everything about money. One person may have a level of financial literacy and understanding that’s greater than the other partner because they’ve been exposed to more information,” says Cohen Taylor, behavior wealth specialist at Wealth Enhancement Group.
Taylor thinks it’s important that a person is willing to communicate about money even if the topic makes them uncomfortable. If someone won’t open up about financial decisions or past mistakes, it can be difficult to develop new financial skills or knowledge.
However, she does think the dating process is a good time to assess whether a person engages in financially risky behaviors such as gambling. “You want to understand whether somebody is taking financial risks you’re not comfortable with,” Taylor says.
Financial dishonesty is also something she says you shouldn’t overlook. Even small money lies, such as a partner bragging about leaving a big tip when they only left a few dollars can be a sign of problematic behavior, Taylor adds.
Money isn’t everything, but it does play a key role in your ‘happily ever after’
Dating someone new can be exciting, but don’t let the newness of a relationship shield you from learning about your partner’s money habits. Financial compatibility can help you better transition to working toward common goals in the future, such as buying a home, traveling or planning for retirement.
It can be tough to find the right balance the right time to talk about money early in the relationship. By being observant and trying a few of the suggestions mentioned above, you can determine whether the person you’re dating will be a healthy money match for years to come.
