DEAR ABBY: Friendship with boss came with emotional toll

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DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago, my partner and I moved to a new community, befriending a neighbour whose initial kindness and generosity impressed us greatly. When the neighbour learned I was unemployed, his influence enabled me to secure a position with his company.

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In a professional setting, however, the neighbour revealed a personality that was manipulative, condescending, backstabbing and mean-spirited, often reducing colleagues to tears with his profanity-laced tirades. His was literally a Jekyll and Hyde transformation.

After a decade of his tyranny and the suicide attempt of a colleague he had mercilessly badgered, I accepted a position with another company, and later retired to another state. Since then, he has contacted me at regular intervals to say he misses us as neighbours and friends and would like to visit.

While working for his company financially empowered us to make future plans previously beyond our means, I lack the ability to prioritize gratitude over the memories of the emotional abuse to which he subjected my co-workers and me.

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My tenure there had a negative impact on my health, and I have no desire to relive the experience merely to nourish his ego. My partner suggests I can tolerate anything for a few days. Am I wrong to feel otherwise? — HESITANT IN ARIZONA

DEAR HESITANT: When your former boss asks to visit, politely decline. If he continues to pursue it, that will be the time for a frank conversation with him. When (and if) it comes to that, express that, although he was kind to you personally, his tirades and the fact that he nearly drove a co-worker to suicide were the reasons you left the company, which is why you prefer he not visit.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband of 25 years and I have become political opposites over the past several years. We watch different news networks and media. It has grown increasingly difficult to have any conversation with him without politics entering the discussion.

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As a result, I avoid talking to him about anything, and it is straining our marriage. I also prefer to go to social events alone, because he brings his political views into even the most casual conversations with people we are meeting for the first time.

Have you any advice on how to address this problem? I don’t see it getting any better after the elections, regardless of the outcome. — OPPOSITE IN HOUSTON, TEXAS

DEAR OPPOSITE: Marriages can fail because a couple’s divergent beliefs about what is important have driven a wedge between them that can’t be bridged. In most marriages, a degree of compromise can be reached. If you and your husband are having trouble doing that, marriage counselling may help you figure out how to navigate your political differences. If you cannot do that, then you and your husband have some tough decisions to make.

— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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