Maybe you’re in the throes of parenting a teenager, or you remember (probably less than fondly) what it’s like to be a teenager yourself. Whatever the case, you know that the teenager-parent relationship is typically a fraught one.
“Teenagers are individuating at this age,” Avigail Lev, a psychologist and the founder and director of Bay Area CBT Center, explained. “It’s very difficult for them because they’re striving to become more autonomous and think for themselves, and they don’t want to be attached to mommy and daddy the way they used to be. However, they’re still dependent on their parents, which creates cognitive dissonance and frustration. On one level, they feel ready to be an adult, but on another level, they’re still dependent. This conflict makes it very difficult for them to connect with their parents.”
The hormones don’t help, either. “This is also the time when they are becoming hormonal and experiencing sexual attraction, leading to feelings of shame and an increased awareness of their autonomy and individuality,” Lev said. “This adds a level of complexity to their relationship with their parents.”
On the one hand, it’s important for parents to accept that they’re probably not going to connect as easily with their kids during their teenage years. On the other, certain phrases can foster a feeling of safety and connection.
The Best Phrases To Use With Your Teenager
Lev stressed that asking open-ended questions, reflecting back, and validating feelings and needs are key.
“Teenagers are very emotionally dysregulated, impulsive, and emotional,” she said. “They need a lot of mirroring, similar to how a 2-year-old needs mirroring. … It doesn’t mean the parent validates bad behaviors, but rather mirrors back the emotions, contains them, and remains a stable figure and container for their emotions. This teaches teenagers self-regulation skills.”
With that in mind, Lev said some phrases that can help improve your relationship include: “It makes sense that you feel…,” “It makes sense that you need…,” “I know you’re doing your best,” “You can handle this,” “I believe in you,” “I trust you,” “You can trust yourself,” “I’m here if you need me,” “I hope you feel comfortable coming to me if you need anything,” and “Of course you feel…”.
“Knowing that you are always there for them can encourage them to open up and share their thoughts and feelings.”
– Sandra Kushnir, licensed marriage and family therapist
Sandra Kushnir, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder & CEO of Meridian Counseling, added that her favorite phrase to use with teenagers is, “I’m here for you, no matter what.”
This statement reassures them that they have your unconditional support, fostering a sense of security and trust, she explained. “Knowing that you are always there for them can encourage them to open up and share their thoughts and feelings,” she said.
Another good one? “I’m curious about what you think.”
“By showing genuine interest in their opinions, you validate their growing sense of individuality and promote open communication,” Kushnir said. “It also signals that you respect their emerging adult perspectives.”
“I understand this is important to you” can also be a beneficial and validating phrase, Kushnir said. “Acknowledging their priorities and interests, even if they seem trivial to you, helps build a connection. It demonstrates empathy and respect for their autonomy.”
Lastly, using the phrase, “Let’s figure this out together” can shift the dynamic from a parent-versus-teenager mentality to a more cooperative relationship.
“Collaborating on problem-solving reinforces the idea of teamwork and support, which can strengthen your bond,” Kushnir added.
Phrases And Questions To Avoid
As with most things in life, certain phrases can do more harm than good when you’re trying to connect with your teen. “Some statements can come across as confrontational or judgmental, shutting down communication rather than encouraging it,” said Nicolle Osequeda, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Chicago.
“Instead of fostering understanding, they may lead to defensiveness and resistance. To effectively influence their choices and share perspectives, parents must prioritize understanding their teenager’s viewpoint. By being present and engaged, parents can help cultivate a relationship that is more responsive to the needs and feelings of their teenagers.”
Osequeda said parents should be cautious of using questions and phrases like “I want to talk to you about…” “You need to tell me why you did that” and “How could you possibly think about doing that?”
Comparison is another trap you should do your best to avoid, Kushnir said. Saying something along the lines of, “Why can’t you be more like…?” can damage a teen’s self-esteem and foster resentment. “Every teenager is unique, and comparing them to others undermines their individuality and worth,” Kushnir explained.
Other phrases can shut teenagers down when most parents are striving to do the opposite. Saying, “Because I said so” and “You’re overreacting” can come off as dismissive.
“Dismissing their feelings can lead to frustration and a sense of not being heard. It’s important to validate their emotions, even if they seem disproportionate,” Kushnir said.
The bottom line? Parenting a teenager is anything but easy, and you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself if you find you’re having a hard time connecting with your child during this time. But with enough compassion and a slight tweak of your communication style, you might just find your relationship transformed.
