Phone use and kids: Parents’ manners

Editor’s note: Dr. Katie Hurley, DSW, LCSW, is a child and adolescent psychotherapist, educator, public speaker and writer. The views expressed here are her own.

While school administrators and parents focus on phone bans in schools as kids head back to school — and rightfully so — we also need to pay attention to the other places where phone use (and overuse) occurs.

As a therapist who works with teenagers, I routinely hear from clients that their parents consistently criticize kids’ phone use but don’t curb their own use. Hypocrisy aside, teens tell me that it’s frustrating when their parents can’t give them their focus. Frustrated with their parents over their lack of attention, teens curb negative emotions by watching videos on social media.

Higher levels of perceived parent digital technology use that interferes with parent-child interactions — referred to as “parental technoference” by the study authors — were associated with higher levels of anxiety, inattention and hyperactivity later in development, according to a new study published in August in JAMA Network Open.

Parents often tell me the same thing — their kids are glued to their phones and don’t listen when they try to engage them. And when parents feel rejected, they also turn their attention to their phones.

In many ways, families get stuck in an endless loop of fractured communication and hurt feelings because technology steals focus.

I try to help families zoom out and look at the problem from both perspectives, and often they are able to see that technology robs them of positive interactions and quality time. I tell parents and kids alike that everyone needs to make changes in their technology habits to restore positive communication and trust. (And note to adults: It’s our job as parents to work on our family dynamics and model good behavior for our kids.)

Before you worry that you must ban phone use completely at home, it’s important to note that the “parental technoference” study deliberately centered on youth voices and did not include parent perceptions. But those results, although not conclusive, can make parents and caregivers more aware of what we do at home.

There’s a lot that can be done to curb “technoference” and restore positive and meaningful conversations within families. And no, you don’t have to throw out your phones or do all these steps at once. Do try to put down your phones (everyone) to sort out some family tech guidelines.

Set family tech guidelines together

Parents often set rules they don’t always intend to follow. Keeping phones out of the bedroom is a common rule among parents of tweens and teens, yet this rule doesn’t often apply to the parents (guilty as charged).

While it’s perfectly logical to adapt the rules by maturity level, it’s also important to include kids in these conversations to increase their understanding about the differences. In my case, my kids know that my phone is in night mode and only family can reach me for emergencies after 9 p.m.

How can we do it? Including your children’s voices in these conversations gives them some agency over learning to use technology in a healthy way in the home. Think about these questions:

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  When should we put our phones away at home?
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  How can we help each other stay off our phones during family time?
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  What system should we use to reduce our phone use (maybe a storage basket or central charging station)?

Practice active listening skills together

It’s natural for push notifications to grab attention when we see our phones light up, and it’s OK if that feels hard to resist. Some of our technology is designed to be addictive. Learning to use technology in moderation, like changing any habits, takes time and practice. Most people will make mistakes along the way.

How can we do it? Focus on these active listening skills at home to practice focused attention:

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  Maintain eye contact or look near the person’s face if eye contact is difficult.
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  Ask follow-up questions to clarify something.
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  Avoid interrupting by holding your thought until the other person is finished speaking.
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  Reflect on what you heard.
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  Listen to understand, not to respond.

Create communication systems that work

Sometimes parents will need to address work situations as they pop up (a doctor on call, a journalist with a deadline, a government official during a storm), and teens will need to handle notifications from school. (My daughter said situations like notifications from group project text chats and homework deadlines that include a specific time are best addressed right away.)

How we handle these imminent requests matter so that we don’t reject one another or interrupt important points of connection.

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  Remain focused until there is a break in the conversation.
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  Be certain the request is urgent and needs immediate attention before stepping away.
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  Make a follow-up plan to continue the conversation.
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  Be clear when you set boundaries around work needs.

Like all things related to technology, learning to use it in a positive way in the home will likely be a work in progress for a while. Try not to be hard on yourselves, or your kids, as new information arises. The best thing families can do is remain flexible and adapt as information is updated.

Make family time together

It’s always a good idea to revisit things your family enjoys doing together that don’t include technology.

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  Family game night
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  Ice cream sundae bar
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  Sunset walks around town
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  Playing Mad Libs

By prioritizing having fun together, families can curb tech overuse in a positive way.

You don’t need to do this all at once. Families I work with often find that working on one small goal at a time makes a big difference. Go ahead and plan that weekly family game night; it might just be the tech-free zone you need to reset your family habits.