Off the rails is how I would describe Donald Trump when he says he will be the protector of women.
I woke up the other day and grabbed my cellphone to check my email where, courtesy of the internet, I had the pleasure of hearing the former president update me about the situation for American women. Now, early-morning Trump early is not exactly the dream scenario for most of us gals but what the hey. This particular morning, I learned that my current state of what I always thought of as moderate happiness was all an illusion, a cruel charade perpetrated by the fake news to make all of us ladies feel we were content with life under Joe Biden and the evil Kamala Harris.
But Trump enlightened me. Turns out I am less healthy, less safe on the streets, and poorer, paying more for all those cosmetics I smuggle in among the groceries so hubby doesn’t see that I am spending too much on frivolous items. (As an aside, we gals have to buy lots of cosmetics to keep our looks, lest hubby trade us in for a younger model, as Trump did. But I extrapolate here. In fairness, Trump did not actually say that. I’d characterize it as a nuanced trope underlying his overall message for us gals, except I don’t have the education or the intellect to use words like trope.)
But I digress. Apparently, I am “more stressed and depressed and unhappy and less confident in the future than I was four years ago.” Gosh! All this enlightenment before I even get out of bed in the morning. Fortunately, help is on the way.
“I will fix all of that and fast. At long last, this nation, our national nightmare will end.” Why? Because Trump will be our protector!
Good old Donald Trump will make me “safe at the border.” (I assume he means the Mexican border, not the borders of my hometown, which the FBI happens to characterize as one of the safest in the country, partly because so many of its immigrant citizens are such exemplary citizens.) The good news is that Trump will not only ensure my border safety. He is going to make me and all the rest of my female posse safe “on the sidewalks of [our] now violent cities in the suburbs which are under migrant criminal siege.” Who knew?
The even better news is that — true friend to women that he is — Trump is not content just to ensure my border safety. Nope. He is dealing with all those problematic emotional issues we gals wrestle with once we get our hair curlers out and put on our makeup and our six-inch heels so our fannies jiggle just right when we walk.
Donald assures me I will “no longer be abandoned, lonely or scared. I will no longer be in danger, will no longer have anxiety from all of the problems our country has today.”
How? Trump will be my protector! Women will be “happy, healthy, confident, and free.” All we have to do is vote for him.
Wow! I’m so relieved. And I hadn’t even gotten out of bed that day. No need. I can just roll over and go back to sleep, secure in the knowledge that old “Grab them by the pussy” is on the job, taking care of me.
The man the jury said must pay E. Jean Carroll $83.3 million for sexual assault and defamation is taking time off from his numerous appeals and his presidential campaign to be my protector. The man who paid hush money to the adult film star Stormy Daniels and appointed the judges who overturned Roe v. Wade is going to take care of me. The man famous for his demeaning, derogatory, and just plain nasty comments about women, this man is going to be our protector, ladies. All we have to do is hop in our stilettos and hurry on down to vote for him, and we will be “happy, healthy, confident, and free.”
Seriously?
Now, I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the moral courage of a few Republican leaders – women like Liz Cheney – who found the strength to stand up to Donald Trump. The former Republican congresswoman campaigned in Wisconsin, known as the birthplace of the Republican Party, with Harris on Wednesday. Three other Republican women, former Trump White House aides Cassidy Hutchinson, Alyssa Farah Griffin and Sarah Matthews, are set to campaign for Harris in Pennsylvania next week. I know not all Republicans, and certainly not all women, are stupid enough to fall for Trump’s blatant lies about how he will treat women. We finally have a chance – an excellent chance – to elect a strong woman who, as president, will work to ensure equal treatment for women. Why would any woman want to return to the world of phony protection offered by Trump?
It’s time for a woman president. Women can make a difference in this election by voting for Harris and giving Trump the message that he no longer needs to “protect” women. We can take care of ourselves just fine.
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