To the men reading this: do you talk about your most heartfelt concerns to your wife or girlfriend – but no one else?
You might say, yes. Who else would you talk to about that personal sort of thing – not your mates in the pub, that’s for sure. And besides, aren’t wives and girlfriends renowned for having a sympathetic ear?
The problem is, chaps, and I hate to be the one breaking it to you, but your significant other may feel differently about this arrangement.
For a start, women don’t confide in men. Research shows that, on average, a woman has five other women they can speak with about their emotions – mothers, sisters or a circle of friends.
Research shows that, on average, a woman has five other women they can speak with about their emotions – mothers, sisters or a circle of friends
Meanwhile, a survey from men’s mental health charity Movember revealed that, surprisingly, nearly a third of men in the UK have no friends. At all.
A further half said they were unable to confide in the friends they did have about a problem – instead, they rely entirely on partners for all of their emotional needs.
And all this unburdening on one woman is heaping serious pressure on us. In fact, it could be argued that it’s a form of invisible emotional labour.
At least that’s what is being claimed in a study from psychologists at the world-renowned Stanford University in California. And the researchers have even come up with a name for it: mankeeping.
Men, they argue, are dependent on women because they’re unable to open up to male friends. As a result, women are suffering an additional burden on their time and wellbeing – without any support offered in return.
It’s a concept that rang true for me. My boyfriend, Ben, 25, has a large and relatively emotionally-in-touch group of male friends. But over the nearly three years we’ve been together, I’ve noticed I’m the first – and often only – person he’ll speak to about his feelings.
He’ll ring me when he’s having a bad day, had a difficult time at work, or even when his football team loses. And while there are many issues for which he’s my trusted confidant, there are some things for which I wish he’d just call up a fellow boy (read: football).
I, meanwhile, have a much wider collection of girlfriends whom I routinely go to for advice. In fact I have different friends for different situations – be it a fellow journalist for work woes, a junior doctor for health concerns or a particularly chic dresser for styling advice.
Now I realise my experience as a 24-year-old health reporter who lives in London is not representative of the lives of all women, but I’ve spent the week asking other women and men, of all ages, their opinion on this – and my resounding conclusion is that this is an issue we need to address.
I’ve also spoken to psychology experts about what, if anything, we can do to improve the situation.
Among my own friends and colleagues, anecdotes abound. One told me her ex-boyfriend was so bad at expressing his feelings she had to give him the words to break up with her. Another was told by an unrepentant cheat that she was the lucky one in their crumbling relationship, because she ‘had people she could talk to about it’.
Others describe leaving a first date feeling like a soundboard – with one friend having spent two hours without being asked a single question. She woke up the next morning to a message from the man in question saying he’d had an amazing evening and asking to see her again. Presumably for more free therapy.
And the issue is, even if men did start lending an ear back, very few of my female friends say they would confide in them anyway – simply because they don’t think they’d be very good at it.
‘They just don’t have the emotional register that a girl does,’ complained one. Added another: ‘I’d much rather call my mum.’ Of course, the idea that women are the emotional bedrock within families, as well as the main child-carer, cook, cleaner and so on, feels as old as time. But in more recent decades, it’s often done while working full-time as well. Feminist academics in the Eighties dubbed it the ‘second shift’ – the labour performed at home that inevitably falls to the woman.
Ben Coates, 48, tells me that he has relied on his wife Victoria, 32, for all of his emotional support since his rocky divorce from his first wife
But is there also a ‘third shift’ that begins once the kids have gone to bed? Many women today say yes, and it involves the time and effort spent helping partners to process their emotions in the absence of male friends.
Experts say that what makes mankeeping emotional labour – and not just intimacy – is the fact it’s very often not reciprocated.
In an article in Harper’s Bazaar, Melanie Hamlett describes how women she knew read self-help books, listened to life-improving podcasts, sought career advice from peers and turned to a wide group of female friends and family for support. Or they might spend a small fortune on psychotherapy.
‘But the men in their lives simply rely on them,’ she wrote. ‘It’s exhausting an entire generation of women.’
The researchers behind the ‘mankeeping’ paper, Angelica Ferrara and Dylan Vergara, describe ‘the labour women take on in order to shore up losses in men’s social networks and reduce the burden of men’s isolation…’
I spoke to University of Essex psychology professor Dr Veronica Lamarche, who was familiar with the situation. ‘The problem is, if you’re putting all your emotional eggs in one basket, they’re unlikely to be the best person to deal with every issue that crops up,’ she said.
‘The pressure it places on that person can be overwhelming and detrimental to the relationship. One person shouldn’t be pulling the emotional weight of two.’
So why are men like this? A survey from 2020 revealed that, when asked what was most important for their sons, 94 per cent of parents said being emotionally strong.
Dr James Ravenhill, a specialist in male psychology at Royal Holloway, University of London, says: ‘Men learn very early on that their masculinity will be judged by other men. Even close friends who care about each other are often scared to open up because they’re worried they’ll be judged.’
Men I’ve spoken to, on the other hand, seem quite happy with the arrangement.
Ben Coates, 48, tells me that he has relied on his wife Victoria, 32, for all of his emotional support since his rocky divorce from his first wife. ‘It’s way better than therapy – because you can only see a therapist for an hour, once a week,’ he admitted.
Ben, who runs a marketing business, continues: ‘With Vicky, I get warmth and reassurance but also practical advice.
‘When I was in a bad place after my divorce, she took me with her to see her friends, and took me to get my hair cut. Therapists are great – but not when you need support there and then.’
For her part, Vicky, stops short of calling it a burden, but admits: ‘During the past few years I’ve felt exhausted by it. There absolutely were moments when I’ve asked myself why I’m putting up with all this.
‘But then I could talk to my friends about it, and use them as a sounding board as well. I’ve told Ben he should chat to his mates, but he doesn’t like to speak about personal issues with friends. He thinks that private issues are for a couple to sort out between themselves. I don’t feel like it’s a burden – in my mind a partnership is meant for sharing and relying on each other.’
A survey conducted by the Priory, the mental health hospital, found 77 per cent of men had suffered depression, anxiety or stress but only about half had ever spoken to anyone about it.
So is the fact that some men have a woman in their life to talk to a good thing?
‘I’ve told Ben he should chat to his mates,’ Vicky says. ‘But he doesn’t like to speak about personal issues with friends’
Psychologist and relationship expert Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley is not convinced. She’s concerned about the damage that ‘mankeeping’ can do. ‘Over time it can lead to emotional exhaustion and resentment in the supportive partner,’ she says. ‘She may feel like a caretaker or mother, which can erode intimacy and respect.’
And this, ultimately, can end relationships.
Manchester-based couples therapist Susie Masterson says: ‘I see many women in midlife who say they’ve spent decades doing all of the emotional work, but feel unheard by their husband.’ Studies show that drivers of mental health problems such as depression and anxiety differ between men and women.
Women often flag traumatic events, social pressure about body image and balancing caring commitments as some of the biggest triggers for their depression.
For men, meanwhile, the causes are more commonly stress at work, financial worries and anxiety about their health. And, of course, there are burdens – such as becoming the breadwinner – that men historically tended to take on in relationships.
But, Ms Masterson adds, this isn’t necessarily a fair trade-off for women’s endless emotional labour.
‘Couples need to separate their relationship from other forms of care that some women may take on, as a stay-at-home mum or homemaker,’ she says. ‘Both sides need to invest emotionally to make a relationship work – it can’t just be left to one of them.’
And when men suffer a mental health crisis, their lack of friends tends to leave them worse off.
Resilience studies have shown that coping with huge challenges requires a strong support network. In the end, people who have one cope, and those who don’t, don’t.
Research also shows that when men lose a romantic partner, their social networks tend to shrink significantly – whereas women’s remain largely unaffected. Perhaps this gives some clue as to why men are three times more likely than women to die by suicide – with midlife being a major crunch point.
‘It’s a public health catastrophe,’ says Dr Ravenhill. ‘Loneliness is a real issue, particularly for older men. When a relationship ends in separation, divorce or death, they have no one to confide in and can’t articulate feelings because they’ve relied on their partner for all their emotional needs.’
Experts say the solution for most men is simple: they need to start speaking to each other like women do. And some are trying to.
Groups for this purpose have sprung up in recent years – from offering men-only spaces to meet and chat about their days and feelings, to week-long ‘man camps’ where they scream, dance and cry with other men to better get in touch with their emotions.
Therapist Ori Latter, 45, runs one such group. He says his life changed for ever when he went on a camp run by the male support network ManKind Project in his early 30s.
‘It was a night and day change – it taught me how to understand what I was feeling, and to be able to express those emotions to others,’ he says.
Now the single dad hopes that he’ll be able to be a role model to his ten-year-old daughter, Mika, for how men should interact with each other, as well as with their children.
‘I take on caring roles that are usually done by the mother, and I love it,’ he adds. ‘We need to teach this generation how to speak to each other, and to do that we have to lead by example.’
It’s an admirable goal. But I imagine many men I know would cringe at the thought – and the extra work required.
So for them, a baby step may be to simply reach out to an old friend, says Dr Ravenhill, get a drink and chat about your day.
Just make sure that old friend is not a woman.
