DEAR ABBY: Family’s ‘doer’ is tired of helping stepmom

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 37-year-old woman who seems to be the go-to person in my family to figure things out. Due to my stepmom not feeling comfortable enough with her English and my striving to win her approval, I made sure to take care of the things she couldn’t from an early age. The problem is, while I used to be proud of myself for always being able to figure things out, I no longer feel that way.

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There are five siblings in total. We are all adults now, but my stepmom seems to come only to me to solve any issues she has. If anyone does offer her assistance, she’ll say something like, “That’s fine, but I’ll just ask your sister instead.” I understand this may be my fault because of my incessant need to please her.

Lately, however, I’ve been struggling more and more with feeling used, as if my worth is dependent only on what I can do for her. Is there a way to change her expectations without having to tell her outright how I feel? — TOO HELPFUL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TOO HELPFUL: You might find it easier to start by being less available when your stepmother has a “honey-do.” She may be shocked and not like it, so be prepared when you tell her to ask one of your siblings. The alternative is to be completely upfront with her about your feelings, including the fact that you feel she values you only because of what she perceives you can do for her.

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Being the only “adult” in the family is a terrible burden to be placed on a child, which appears to be what has happened to you. I knew someone like this. Like you, he was the designated problem-solver in the family. Sadly, no one was grateful for his efforts. Instead, they not only took advantage of him, but also resented him for it.

Call a halt to this scenario before you start to seriously dislike your “helpless” stepmom.

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DEAR ABBY: I’m a walker, and I’d like to know, is there a rule regarding passing an oncoming walker? I tend to stay on my right as though I were driving a car, but the occasional walker seems insistent upon staying on their left.

Also, a shoutout to your readers: Sidewalks are for PEDESTRIANS, so please don’t park your vehicles, lawn mowers, lawn equipment, home maintenance/repair equipment, etc. on them. While it’s easy for me to manoeuvre around them, it isn’t easy for small children on bikes or individuals using wheelchairs or pushing strollers. — STROLLING IN FLORIDA

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DEAR STROLLING: The etiquette for pedestrians is the same as that for drivers in all 50 states: Keep to the right side of the “road.” Also, people who ride scooters and bicycles on the sidewalk are a danger to pedestrians. In many communities, there may be ordinances to discourage parking equipment on sidewalks. If the arrangement is semi-permanent, visit your city hall website to determine to which department the violation(s) should be reported.

— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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