When a friend is going through a hard time, you want to be there for them. But there’s one super common and well-meaning question you’re bound to ask that could be getting in the way of truly supporting them:
Often, this feels more like a perfunctory greeting or social nicety than a genuine inquiry about someone’s well-being.
“While well-intentioned, it usually doesn’t create the space for a meaningful or vulnerable response,” Washington, D.C., psychologist Marie Land told HuffPost.
Many of us have been conditioned to respond to a “how are you” with pat responses like, “Fine, thanks,” “Not bad” or “Hanging in there.” It doesn’t typically encourage the kind of deeper conversation you may be hoping to have.
The effectiveness of the question also depends on the person you’re talking to. One friend might see a “how are you” as an icebreaker, “a way to start sharing whatever is on their mind,” Atlanta clinical psychologist Zainab Delawalla told HuffPost.
Another might interpret it as a “meaningless, habitual phrase that people toss out even when they’re not really interested in listening,” she said.
“You know your friend and probably have a good idea of how they respond to such questions.”
So what should you ask instead?
Using “how are you” to open up a dialogue with a struggling friend isn’t a bad thing — so long as you’re also asking some follow-up questions.
“Even if someone genuinely wants to know how you’re doing, it’s hard to feel comfortable opening up without first engaging in some rapport-building conversation,” Land said.
Both of our experts stressed that specificity makes a big difference when you’re checking in on someone who’s going through a tough time.
One way to do this is by following up on a previous conversation the two of you had. Delawalla suggested something like: “I know there has been a lot of drama at work lately. Were you guys able to hire a replacement for the person who quit unexpectedly?”
Similarly, “‘Have things gotten any easier with [specific issue]?’ shows you’ve been listening and are invested in their well-being,” Land said. “This approach helps create a sense of emotional safety and encourages them to open up.”
Specific questions like these demonstrate concern and thoughtfulness. They show you’ve paid close attention during past conversations and/or you’ve picked up on subtle changes in their tone of voice or body language that might indicate something is amiss, Delawalla said.
Another tweak: Make the question time-limited. Like: “‘How has your day been so far?’ or ‘What’s new in your world since we last talked?’” Delawalla suggested. Asking someone how they’re doing today or this week can feel less overwhelming to respond to than a broader “How are you?”
Land also suggested something like: “So really — how have things been going? You doing OK?” which signals you are asking because you care, not just out of politeness.
“It invites them to share more honestly and makes them feel heard,” she said.
If the friendship is newer or you’re unsure if this person would be comfortable opening up to you, you can take a bit of a different approach. Instead of asking a question, make an observation and offer your support like: “You seem to be really stressed lately. Please know that I am here to lend an ear whenever you want to talk,” Delawalla said.
And it’s important to note that the suggestions above are just general ideas to help guide you — not precise scripts you should try to follow to a tee.
“You can’t script a conversation, because it’s a dialogue. You have to adjust your queries and statements based on what the other person is saying,” Delawalla said. “This is also known as active listening.”
If a “how are you” didn’t yield the candid conversation you were hoping to have, follow-up questions can communicate that you are truly interested in what’s going on with them.
“Make your intentions known: that you care about your friend and are wanting to follow up on certain things based on what you’ve noticed,” Delawalla said.
