Telling an upset child to “stop crying” might seem like a well-meaning attempt to soothe them and quickly restore a sense of peace to the situation.
But a leading family psychotherapist has warned that repeatedly encouraging them to suppress their emotions could prove harmful in the long-run.
Speaking exclusively to HuffPost UK, Fiona Yassin, a family psychotherapist, said: “Crying is a natural way for a child or young person to express emotions like stress, anger, or fear. It’s a crucial part of healthy emotional development.
“When a parent tells a child to stop crying, they are invalidating that child’s feelings and encouraging them to repress their emotions and true feelings.”
Why you might want to avoid saying ‘stop crying’
The therapist, who is the founder and clinical director of The Wave Clinic, said kids who are routinely told to stop crying might end up being unsure of how to express their emotions in the future, which could lead to potentially harmful or risk-taking behaviours.
“A child might think, ‘What I’m feeling isn’t acceptable, so I need to do something to numb or suppress it.’ This can manifest in unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking alcohol, using drugs, or spending excessive time on a game console,” she explained.
Of course, you might’ve said “stop crying” at some point in the past and that’s okay – so many of us have been there.
“This is not about beating yourself up for what you’ve said to your child in the past, this is about recognising that some language can do more harm than good,” says Yassin.
“Adjusting what you say will help to prevent your child from developing negative feelings, including anxiety, guilt and shame. Reflecting on the language you use around your child is a positive step.”
Not everyone agrees that the phrase “stop crying” is always a bad idea. In a piece for Psychology Today, family counsellor Michael Gurian suggested it’s ok to tell a child to “stop crying” as long as you follow up by helping them problem-solve or offer other emotional expression strategies.
But if you want to steer clear of the phrase altogether, Yassin has offered some examples of what you might want to try saying instead.
What to say instead
The therapist notes it’s “really important” for parents to take an “empathetic, patient and inquisitive approach” when their child is crying.
“The key is to validate their feelings and show them that it’s safe to express emotions,” she adds.
Here are some examples of what you could say instead:
- ‘I can see that you have some big feelings. Would you like to share them with me?’
- ‘I hear that you are upset. Shall we spend some time together? I am here to listen.’
- ‘I see you’re upset. Do you want to talk about what happened?’
- ‘It’s okay to cry. I’m here for you.’
- ‘I understand you’re feeling frustrated. What can I do to help?’
- ‘It’s okay to feel upset. You don’t have to be happy all the time.’
