I’ve recently shifted careers and started a new job in a big company, which is great in terms of salary and professional development. But as I approached the end of my trial period, my manager told me she’d taken a big gamble and put her reputation on the line for me, given that I’d worked freelance for years. She was clearly insinuating my probation period would be extended, despite colleagues telling me I’d exceeded expectations.
She has a very odd management style and speaks to people of all ages as though we’re lazy teenagers, whereas we’re all very driven and pretty senior. She also micromanages while leaving us in the dark on important information.
She wants her team to be her mates, to go clubbing, to go on weekends together with our children and partners, and to poke fun at us.
People keep telling me I have the best manager in the company, but I’m not sleeping well because I feel like I’m being robbed of my self. How can I place boundaries? I’m up against four really pushy people on the team and can’t seem to find allies in the others. I need the help of my peers to learn the job and I need my manager to manage me, but when I don’t hang out with them I have to beg for information.
The job in itself is fine and it’s an excellent opportunity, but I’m exhausted and dizzied by the amount of excuses I have to come up with to avoid all the events and trips they’re organising. I feel suffocated, infantilised and manipulated.
What can I do? I need to make this work.
I feel for you. My first job in journalism was very similar. I was finally doing the job I had dreamed of, yet I was so unhappy. In the end, after more than a year, and finding myself on holiday wishing the plane home would crash as I couldn’t bear to go back to my job, I realised it was time to leave. It was the best thing I did. That daily drip, drip, drip is corrosive and after a while you almost can’t see it as you become smaller and smaller.
I went to the UK Council for Psychotherapy-accredited therapist Lorna Evans and she said: “You seem to have achieved a lot and this new role offers you an excellent salary and professional development after being self-employed. You also seem very aware of the work environment, culture and what good boundaries look like [all of this is great!]. But what I hear loudest is that you have a ‘bad boss’ who is negatively impacting you in this role.”
“The reality is that most people leave great jobs due to the ‘bad boss’. It’s interesting you feel you ‘need to make it work’. Of course, I understand the importance of a good salary and professional development, but if it’s as bad as it sounds then you don’t need to make it work. You need to look at your options.”
You mention that you feel your boss may extend your probation, but what does your contract say and what does HR say? I understand you may have a reluctance to “get official” or go over your boss’s head, but, frankly, she sounds like a bit of a bully, and in my experience work bullies tend to come to heel once they know someone is watching. Evans also suggested keeping notes “in case they are needed further down the line should HR be involved”.
I’m a big fan of overcoming obstacles rather than leaving places because of one person, but only you know – as I had to work out – if and when you’ve exhausted the possibilities there. Feeling “robbed of your self, suffocated, infantalised and manipulated” is quite a burden.
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It doesn’t sound like you have any kindred spirits that you can talk to and that’s extra isolating. But it is early days and things can change radically. Evans wondered if there are any other opportunities in the company, given it sounds like a large one? You may find this podcast I did on keeping and enforcing boundaries useful.
Evans says: “You got a job in a great company with a good salary and professional development – you can go and find another one where you like the culture and have a great boss who will support you and not cross professional boundaries.” Remember your value, and if your current situation doesn’t reflect that, it may be worth, in time (because things may yet change), considering somewhere else that does.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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