Perhaps more than ever we are bombarded with images of other people’s bodies, and it is only human to compare ourselves with these unrealistic ideals. How can you learn to love your body for what it is? Therapists share their advice on improving body confidence.
1. Recognise that accepting your body matters
“Your body is the longest friendship that you will ever have and it is important to take care of that relationship,” says Tasha Bailey, a therapist based in south-east London and author of the book Real Talk. Body confidence is a common cause of concern for her clients, “especially among women and non-binary people”, she says, and people are increasingly thinking about cosmetic procedures because they have become so normalised.
2. Know that we live in a difficult moment for body image
“Over the past 15 years, beauty ideals have changed a lot: with AI, photo-editing and filters, they are more unrealistic than ever,” says Phillippa Diedrichs, professor of psychology at the Centre for Appearance Research at the University of the West of England in Bristol, and author of the forthcoming The Body Confidence Book for teenagers. “We have so many opportunities to compare ourselves online, and now we can create images of ourselves that try to replicate them. I think this shines a light on very human tendencies that have always been there, but unfortunately social media and selfie culture magnifies them.”
The rise of social media has been a massive factor in self-esteem issues in recent years, explains Thomas Midgley, who set up The Body Image Treatment Clinic in London in 2019, after working with people with eating disorders in the NHS for many years. “During the pandemic, some of our younger clients increased their social media use from one hour a day to five or six,” Midgley says. “Many of them use this time to follow the curated lives of influencers. This involves watching them do photoshoots on the beach in swimwear or working out in athleisure gear, before focusing on what they eat and drink to maintain their physique, with a solid dose of product placement along the way. The people who are watching are desperate to be like these individuals, creating a huge sense of inadequacy and obsessiveness around body image.”
4. Quitting apps may not be the solution
Midgley uses cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and compassion-focused therapy, which involves “not telling anybody what to do or what not to do”. Instead, he helps clients to “build the capacity to step back from situations and understand how they have become vulnerable to this process … Most people realise they are being pulled in by these clickbait feelings, of being excited and desiring something. If they can consider, ‘Why am I doing this? Why am I following this person? How is it nourishing me, or is it damaging?’, then they are more likely to bring a sceptical eye to what they are doing and be able to step out of these cycles and act differently going forwards.”
5. Consciously curate your feeds
Diedrichs suggests reframing social media as a space we can consciously curate. “Do an experiment over a week. When you use social media, think about how certain types of posts or accounts make you feel. Are you inspired and uplifted? Or are you feeling like you are not good enough? Is there a rise in anxiety or discomfort in your body? If you notice that you are feeling envious, try muting or unfollowing content that makes you uncomfortable, and find new accounts that inspire you. Then observe how that makes you feel over the next week. If you notice a positive shift, consider taking time to cull and curate your feed every few months. If you don’t notice a difference, it might be time to take breaks from social media,” she says.
6. Seek out different body shapes
“Diversify your social media feed,” says Bailey. “Make sure you are following black bodies, brown bodies, disabled bodies, trans bodies – the full spectrum of ways that bodies can look. When we view adverts and social media, a lot of the time we see one particular type of body” [that is not the same as ours]. It is important to be in a space where your body is celebrated.”
7. Try talking to a therapist
In England, this should be accessible through a GP or via NHS talking therapies – albeit with a long wait – says Midgley. “The strongest evidence base for treatment of diagnosed conditions associated with body image is through CBT, whether that is for body dysmorphic disorder, eating disorders, or other symptoms that generate body-image-based issues. What this means is talking to a therapist to understand the thoughts, emotions and behaviours that are maintaining a particular issue, then testing beliefs and fears though behavioural experiments and behavioural change strategies to bring about positive changes in real-world settings.”
8. Look at how beauty ideals change over time
“Talk to older people and ask them what trends were popular when they were younger,” says Diedrichs. “You’ll realise that aspirations were very different even 10 years ago, and will therefore likely change in the future. Having those conversations makes you realise how transient such ideals are, and that feeling pressure to match them is a rigged game and a never-ending and unfulfilling cycle.”
9. Make peace with your body
Bailey suggests taking time to regularly scan your body mindfully, focusing “not on what your body looks like, but how you feel in your body. Notice which areas you tend to judge, be it your stomach, thighs, arms or whatever. Apologise for that judgment and thank that part of your body instead for the other things that it does for you. Creating a new narrative around those parts of the body is really helpful.” She also suggests drawing parts of the body you need to make peace with. “This will allow you to see that part of your body in a different light. And to actually appreciate it and spend time looking at it with kindness and compassion rather than with scrutiny.”
10. Let your body surprise you
Kevin Braddock is a therapist and fitness instructor who runs The Soma Space, in Oswestry, Shropshire. “Our premise is ‘movement for mental health’, using exercise as a way to assist people,” he explains. Visitors to the studio “surprise themselves, especially with Boxercise and weightlifting, which may appear to be frightening things to do. I think this is where body confidence can come from: if you are led into that process gently, you might discover that you can lift 50kg, or do continuous punching for a minute, which is not easy. On the whole, gym culture still sells this idea of six-packs and weight loss, which can be so shaming. But physical movement is in itself very positive: it has mood benefits through releasing endorphins, and it makes people feel strong and more in possession of their body.”
11. Look in the mirror and find things you like about yourself
When we are looking in the mirror, we are often checking whether our appearance looks “right”, says Diedrichs. There is “a natural tendency to focus on the parts of our bodies that we don’t like or that we think need correcting. So the mirror becomes a space that we associate with negative judgments about the way we look. Research has shown that it is beneficial to take a moment to stand in front of the mirror, where you can see your whole body, in as little clothing as you feel comfortable with. Then either say out loud or in your head five things that you like about the physical qualities of your body and five things you like about you as a person that have nothing to do with the way that you look, like emotional, social and intellectual qualities. Repeat this several times a week over a month. At first it might feel awkward, but over time it will start to reframe the way you view your body, into a positive or more neutral way.”
12. Or avoid mirrors entirely
“We have no mirrors at The Soma Space,” says Braddock. Otherwise “you’re always comparing yourself to a mirror image. If we’re constantly looking in the mirror, then we’re not really looking internally at ourselves.”
13. Accept that bodies adapt as we age
“When we get older,” says Diedrichs, “we often change in ways that move us away from what society tells us is the ideal way to look.” But “it is important to practise appreciation for our body as it is carrying us through life and is a vessel for our adventures and experiences. It might feel uncomfortable or unwell at times, we’ll have aches and pains, but its many functions are complex, wonderful and worthy of gratitude.”
14. Don’t make a change to your body without serious thought
Bailey asks clients considering cosmetic surgery: “How happy are you going to be once this procedure is finished?” It isn’t a decision to be taken lightly, she says, despite the fact it is now so commonplace. “It is really important to unpack what the reasons are behind it, what satisfaction it is going to bring, and will there be another thing that they will focus on next?”
15. Move in a way that brings you joy
“Whether it’s dancing, walking or swimming, do things that make you feel energised and proud of the body that you’re in, rather than focusing on the need to change it,” says Bailey. When you are taking part in such activities, make sure you are surrounded by people with similar bodies to you, she adds. Bailey loves dance but found most classes attracted a particular type of body shape, so she found a plus-size dance class. “The feeling I had from going to these classes was so different, because I felt my body was celebrated,” she says.
16. Approach dieting cautiously
We need to “think about what toxic narratives we might have around dieting and unpack them before we even step into it”, Bailey advises. “Be clear about what is the actual goal, but also be compassionate with that goal. What can make dieting really difficult is when we’re very inflexible, or harsh on ourselves when things don’t go to plan. There needs to be a sense of flexibility; there needs to be reflection. And we also need to be able to forgive ourselves for mistakes, or when we’re not losing as much weight as we want to.”
17. Face your fears around wearing a swimsuit
“What is something that you’ve stopped yourself from doing in summer because you’re worried about the way you look?” asks Diedrichs. “When we avoid it, the more difficult and anxiety-provoking it becomes. Set yourself a challenge to do the thing you worry about, and see what happens. Is it as bad as you imagined? Does anybody even notice? Often we fear judgment, but what happens is that most people are too busy focusing on themselves. Instead of worrying, try to focus on the sensations of your body: how does it feel to have the sun on your skin; to be paddling in the water? How does it feel to be enjoying quality time with your friends or family? Really ground yourself in those sensations and the experience as a whole, rather than worrying about the way that you look.”
18. Be aware when exercise or food are taking over
“People with conditions such as anxiety and depression can be very hard on themselves,” says Braddock. “I used to compete in triathlons and got obsessed and spreadsheety about the whole thing. After a while, I thought: ‘Hang on a minute, this is meant to be fun.’ If you feel knackered and tired, and like you are failing all the time, that I would say would be the benchmark for knowing you are overdoing it.”
Midgley adds: “If somebody is taking themselves to the gym when they are no longer enjoying working out, or going when they are injured, and it becomes a need and not a want, then alarm bells should be going off. The same goes with food, if it is taking over and dominating thoughts, and someone is obsessing over calories, or has to plan everything they eat to the point it impacts their ability to socialise. Calorie-counting apps have been one of the big challenges I’ve seen in the treatment of eating disorders over the last 20 years as they drive obsessiveness and compulsions around eating, shape and weight.”
19. Access all the help available
Midgley suggests: “Go to your GP and find out the help that is available there. A charity called Been There offers people support in relation to body image, or the charity Beat has advice on eating disorders. The Dove Self-Esteem Project is a good resource too.”
Bailey says: “The I Weigh podcast by Jameela Jamil is compassionate and straight-talking when it comes to healing and body confidence. I’d also recommend trying out group therapy options or body confidence workshops as a cheaper alternative to therapy.”
20. Dopamine dressing can give you a boost
For a quick body confidence boost, wear clothes that give you a lift, says Bailey. “Being experimental with your wardrobe can be fun, whether you’re showing skin or not. Dopamine dressing is about wearing colours and textures that instantly make you feel good. Tapping into this can be a great way to boost your mood and find freedom in being in your skin.”
In the UK, Beat can be contacted on 0808 801 0677. In the US, help is available at nationaleatingdisorders.org or by calling ANAD’s eating disorders hotline at 800 375 7767. In Australia, the Butterfly Foundation is at 1800 33 4673. Other international helplines can be found at Eating Disorder Hope.
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Real Talk by Tasha Bailey (Octopus Publishing Group, £10.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
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The Body Confidence Book by Phillippa Diedrichs (Quarto Publishing PLC, £9.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
