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DEAR ABBY: I just turned 29. My partner, “Jeremy,” and I have been together for six years and have talked about getting engaged. He set the timeline for an expectation of when he’d propose early on in our relationship — by “five or 30” (meaning either we’ve been together for five years or he hits 30). Both of those marks hit last year, and I expected him to propose, but it didn’t happen. I am mortified because I keep getting asked by people, “Why not?” I don’t have an answer, except that Jeremy is just not ready.
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He told me he wants to pay off some debts before buying a ring, but we are both saving and living well below our means, and I don’t want anything expensive. Jeremy is focused on his physical training and his hobbies. I’m ready to buy a home, get married, maybe even start a family, but I feel like we’re stuck in the post-college lifestyle.
I have told Jeremy all of the above several times now, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. Otherwise, he tells me the commitment is already there and that he will get to a place where he feels he’s ready. He also told me the only reason he’d ever propose is because I want it — because it has no meaning or joy for him!
I’m confused and worried that something is wrong with me for feeling this way. All my friends are married. They have bought homes and are starting families. I’m tired of waiting for this train to come in, and I’m resentful that he hasn’t kept to his timeline. Now I’m not sure I should say yes, even if he does ask. Do I run for the hills or trust him to keep his word? He’s always been honest with me. — WAITING AND WAITING
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DEAR WAITING: When a man tells you that marriage has no meaning or joy for him and that he will propose when he feels ready but still isn’t ready after five years, you have some important decisions to make about your future. Trying to wrestle a marriage proposal out of him because your friends have all married and started families does not guarantee that your union would be a happy one.
Tell Jeremy that you appear to be operating in different time zones, that marriage is very important to you, and he hasn’t kept his word about the five years. Then move on, so you won’t be writing in ANOTHER five years about this same problem.
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DEAR ABBY: Please, please help me save a very old friendship. I have a friend who will not let me finish a story, a comment or a response. When I tried to be polite and said, “Please, let me finish,” she got miffed. We went out to lunch with another friend recently, and she did it again! How do I politely ask her to wait her turn? — WORD IN EDGEWISE
DEAR WORD: Stating it in plain English wouldn’t hurt. Do it right after you ask this woman why she feels it is necessary to interrupt you. (If the answer is that you held the floor too long, you will need to edit either your friend list — or your storytelling.)
— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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