DEAR ABBY: Mother-in-law has been couple’s roommate for 14 years

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DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been happily married for 15 years. My mother-in-law, “Pat,” a widow since 1997, has lived with us for the last 14 years. She lived alone in her own apartment when my wife and I first were married but was going through bouts of depression. I initially extended the offer to her to live with us until she got through her depression, and I mentioned it would be for only a year or two.

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Well, 14 years later, I am preparing for retirement, and Pat thinks she’s coming with my wife and me to our retirement dream home. How can I politely address this? I no longer want to live with my MIL. I have been generous to have allowed her to stay with us this long.

Any arguments my wife and I have had for the most part have been because of Pat’s interference. We both agree on this fact. My wife and I get along well and compromise on just about everything. Pat is healthy and young enough to still be independent. She’s also mobile enough to travel daily to run her errands. Please help me to express that it is overdue for her to move on and allow my wife and me the space to retire together peacefully. — MAKING A CHANGE IN THE EAST

DEAR MAKING A CHANGE: You stated that your mother-in-law expects to live with you and her daughter in your new place, which indicates that the subject has been discussed to some extent. Another “family conference” is now in order, the sooner the better.

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You and your wife must explain that because you will be moving, it is time for Pat to find a place of her own. Expect that there will be some resistance, so offer to help her find a place and assist with the move. After 14 years, it’s time. Better late than never.

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DEAR ABBY: My grown daughter is a bum magnet. All of her relationships have the same outcome. The bum stays with her until he gets a better situation. The current one has been the longest, going on for several years. It was difficult to get her to admit that he’s abusive. She confided she’s afraid at times. His hobby of drawing pictures depicting extreme violence worries me that he may act out someday. Any suggestions about what I can do to help her? — CONCERNED MOM IN CALIFORNIA

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DEAR MOM: Mentally healthy adults do not spend their spare time fantasizing about extreme violence. They also don’t abuse their significant others. Please remind your daughter that continued involvement with someone who abuses her and makes her fearful is risking her safety or her life.

If she’s living with him, she needs to move. If he’s living with her, she should call the toll-free number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org and ask for help in forming a safe escape plan.

— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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